Missouri, Wild and Wonderful

Short Story

In the waiting room of a local dentist, his right, lower jaw on fire, a low, patient burn that flamed sporadically, violently. Eyes unfocused but wincing. On the chipped, wobbly coffee table in front of him was a book with a torn, dark blue hardcover binding, and in gold letters the words, “Missouri, Wild and Wonderful.”

‘Effing ridiculous’, was the first words that came to mind. Wild? Wonderful’? In his current state, feeling more like a small cornered animal, his normally sarcastic point of reference became caustic, biting. ‘Missouri, they’ve got to be kidding, this shithole…’

“Ryan, we’re ready for you.”

“Ryan?”

“RYAN.”

“We’re ready for you!”

He stood up reluctantly and trudged forward. The last thing he wanted to see was a smiling face, but there she was, young, lovely and smiling. Did she expect him to smile back, was the ‘let’s be cordial ball’ in his court. ‘Screw you,’ he thought. He followed her through the open door and into the internal hallway of horrors, drills buzzing in the air.

‘Really, really, I need this now, nubile young lovely, just turned 21?’ he wondered, ‘God, she’s amazing, and I need another pain pill.’

Even her loose fitting work garb could not hide the ample beauty underneath. He followed her every movement as she walked him back to the little operatory. Her hips were perfect, nice round buttocks. He wanted desperately to touch her skin, just run his fingers along her gorgeous thighs, see the goosebumps rise, hear the guttural ‘ohh’ then wrap her…

“You can have a seat.”

He sat down on the dental chair but instead of putting his legs up and leaning back, he stayed in a sitting position, his legs on either side of the chair. ‘This is just delirium, I’m not a degenerate,’ he thought, ‘it’s just the state I’m in, I don’t know, but I’m not a degenerate.’

“Is everything alright?”

He didn’t answer. Instead, after a long pause he went ahead and brought his legs up on the chair and leaned back. She was standing over him now, the blood pressure cuff in her hand.

“Blood pressure is a little high.”

‘Yeah, ya think, those long slender fingers might have something to do with it,’ he thought. Her voice soft, but mature. ‘She already knows what she likes,’ he thought, ‘just needs the right man to bring it right.’

“Ok, the Doctor will be in momentarily. Just relax.”

He could hear her working behind him, setting up the tray. She was breathing softly, lying there in bed afterwards, the sheer curtains billowing in the warm breeze.

‘I took too many of those Tylenol 500’s, man and whatever Uncle Ed gave me, his back pain meds,’ unsure if he’d spoken out loud or not. His eyes were closed now and he was drifting, literally drifting, in and out of reality. ‘Such a long drive for a dentist, like 8 hours, man, I need to find a new dentist, little closer, back home, Missouri dentists, they suck anyway’.

“Skinny dipping, yeah, sure, I’d love to,” answered the assistant.

‘Wet and wild,’ he thought or said. ‘Wet, no Wild and Wonderful and Wet’, smiling at his new best idea ever.

“ok, let’s have a look.”

He opened his mouth a little more, she stuck her tongue in, then her nipple.

‘How many are there,’ he wondered. He opened his eyes to count. The old man was looking at him intently.

‘Oh God, her father’s here.’ He came back down quickly, swallowing hard, his eyes begging for forgiveness. ‘I meant nothing by it, nothing but love and respect, for her, for the female form, for those perfect breasts and the lovely neck and shoulders,’ drifting again.

“Have you ever had gas at the dentist office before,” she purred, her hair falling around his face, her female scent strong now, and desirous.

“Yes,” he answered, saying what he thought she wanted to hear, careful not to break the mood.

She put the mask over his nose, “breath steadily,” she said softly, obviously growing more amorous by the moment. Then her father returned.

He woke up. The mask was off, his mouth sore and dry. There were cotton tabs in between his gums and cheeks. Her hand found his face, caressing him, softly, a gentle thank you for the most fulfilling experience of her life.

“Do you want to try sitting up,” she asked.

His back was wet with perspiration. He inhaled deeply, it was so good to breath. He stroked her calves and clutched her foot in his hand.

“There was no point in trying to save the tooth,” her Dad said, “a wisdom tooth goes off like that, an abscess, it’s better to just take it out, you made a good decision. You’re going to be sore for a few days, but it should heal up without issue, but you’ll need to change the cotton swab we have in there for the next few hours until the bleeding stops. We’ll give you a prescription for some light pain killers, but no drinking at the wedding later.” He was smiling.

‘Why is he smiling, very open minded fellow,’ he thought.

She walked him back to reception. He kept looking at her, confused, ‘didn’t this mean anything to you,’ he wondered. ‘For God’s sake, an experience like that, c’mon, I know we just met, but I have feelings, too, you know.’

“And they do take credit cards, so,” said the young beauty, motioning toward the woman at the window.

‘What kind of place is this,’ he thought, ‘I’m paying for it? I’ve never paid for it, I thought we meant something to each other.’

“And thank you for calling us,” said the little hussie.

‘The innocent, beautiful, what? call girl? Oh my God, I’ve been had, badly had,’ he thought as she walked away, the vixen.

He didn’t remember how he got back to the hotel, but he did remember being surprised when he changed into his bathing suit and found he was dry and undisturbed under his pants. He laid in the shade near the pool and wondered what the hell had happened. He popped two of the pain killers, washing them down with a cold beer or three. The afternoon sped by as relatives arrived and said hi. He felt fortunate to have had a dental emergency. He didn’t have to small talk, and go over the last five years of his life with people he wouldn’t see again until the next wedding. Uncle Ed kept smiling at him between dives into the pool, “how ‘bout those pain pills, hey Ryan?” he asked.

Ryan shook his head yes, dutifully, each time the question arose, and smiled, too, in an effort to say ‘thank you’.

He came down a little by the time the wedding ceremony took place. He knew where he was at least, and why he was there. He smiled a lot and talked little. He jaw was still sore, and his feet and lower calves were badly sunburnt, the sun having made its way around as he slept off the drugs all afternoon.

The next day he stayed in the pool most of the morning, feeling more like himself. The pain in his jaw had eased considerably, and the cool water was just the thing for his sunburn. When he checked out he and a few relatives sat down for one last talk in the hotel’s reception area. On the table in front of him he was surprised to see a large, softcover book with the title “Missouri, Wild and Wonderful.”

“Sorry, sorry,” said Ryan, leaning forward on the sofa, staring intently at the book.

“What are you sorry about?” said one of the relatives.

The whole group was looking at him, trying to understand his curious lament.

“Oh,” he started, “in case my behavior was a little weird, or anything, it was just the tooth and the drugs, Uncle Ed’s, well, I mean, you know what I mean,” cringing.

“Yes, we’re well aware,” someone said.

Over the next eight hours, on two lane highways through Missouri and then Illinois and Michigan, he wondered what the hell “we’re well aware” meant.